Les Miserable Actors: A Spoof
by Schmerg The Impaler
Summary: Ever wonder what the actors are thinking when they're performing Les Miserables? A rather different set of lyrics for the show. It's better if you've read the book and know some famous actors. Very silly!
1. Chapter 1

CAST

**CAST**

JEAN VALJEAN—An older, jaded, cynical actor who has played the role of Jean Valjean for eternity and is perpetually typecast.

JAVERT—An overly enthusiastic young understudy playing the role for the first time. He desperately wants to be famous, and is extremely energetic and flamboyant. He plays the character of Javert as blatantly lusting after Valjean.

FANTINE—A former bombshell entering middle age who feels the uncomfortable realization that she hasn't been cast in a glamorous role for quite some time.

THENARDIER—The hammy actor who constantly plays to the audience and overacts desperately trying to make his role funny, to no avail.

MADAME THENARDIER—Constantly upstaged by Thenardier, despite the fact that she's far more talented.

YOUNG COSETTE—An innocent little child with a vicious stage mother. She does not want to perform; she'd rather just play like a regular kid and is scared of most of the actors except Marius.

GAVROCHE—A creepy overly precocious spoiled brat who has managed to attain pervy tendencies at the tender age of eleven.

MARIUS—A young Michael Ball type performer, meaning he's very talented and cute but on the chubby side. He gets a lot of flak from his freakishly fit fellow students. He genuinely loves the musical "Les Miserables" and has true respect, reverence, and love for the material and gets upset when other people don't.

ENJOLRAS— Former boy band member with no vocal training whatsoever. Knows fully well that his character is supposed to be (physically) a sex god and capitalizes on it as much as possible. Especially loves to bully Marius.

EPONINE— Very much the diva, thinks she's the biggest, most important thing on Broadway. Determined to upstage everyone, thinks everyone else is bad. Her voice is preternaturally loud and whiny and no one really wants to stand next to her.

COSETTE— An ingénue who has always only played ingénues and really wants to play meatier roles. She's frustrated with the fact that the character of Cosette has very little to do, particularly since most of the action revolves around her.

**1. PROLOGUE**

(It is a performance of Les Miserables late into the run. The extras saddled with playing the chain gang trudge onstage, along with Valjean.)

CHAIN GANG:  
Look down, look down, don't look 'em in the eye

Ignore friends' waves and daughters' shouts of 'hi.'

GUY 1:  
The spotlight's bright, it's far too hot below.

CHAIN GANG:  
Look down, look down, there's forty songs to go.

GUY 2:  
I hate this song! I want to play Javert!

CHAIN GANG:  
Look down, look down, Sir Cameron doesn't care.

GUY 3: (Peering out doubtfully at his girlfriend)  
I doubt she'll sit the whole performance through…

CHAIN GANG:  
Look down, look down, besides, she came for Drew!

GUY 4:  
When this show's done

I'll try a run

In "Hairspray!"

(Is attacked by an angry stage hand)

CHAIN GANG:  
Look down, look down, this song's not very fun!

GUY 5:  
How long, Sir Cam, before my contract's done?

ALL:

Look down, look down, I'll always be a swing.

Despite the fact that half the leads can't sing.

(JAVERT pounces onstage. He is an understudy playing the role for the first time ever, and a little bit too enthusiastic. )

JAVERT:  
Now, bring me Prisoner 24601!  
I'll say this loads before the show is done.

You know what that means…

VALJEAN:  
Yes… it means you're gay.

JAVERT:  
NO!

It means I get to be your tragic foil

'Till I shuffle off this mortal coil

When blind with grief

And pretty much insane!

VALJEAN:

That cliché's overused to death.

Besides, it's boring…

Same old chase again.

Until I learn the meaning of "the law"

Well, I know the meaning of the nineteen years

That I've played this role!

JAVERT:  
Five months I've spent onstage

Waiting for Norm to end his run,

Yes, 24601!

VALJEAN:  
Geez, call me Jean Valjean…

JAVERT:  
And I am… Javert!

Do not forget my naaaaame!

I'll be a star soon!

(Valjean just walks away with annoyance, and then Javert just turns around and shouts after him.)

JAVERT:

24601!!

CHORUS:

Look down, look down, looks like this clown's first night

Look down, look down, he'll screw things up, all right.

(Valjean's alone on the stage.)

VALJEAN:  
I'm fifty-nine, yet I'm here still.

I moan, I wince…not this again.

But these folks paid, and they're all waiting.

All my costars are half my age.

I can't forget the years onstage.

Never forget the overdone

Belting out "24601!"

The show begins, and now let's see

How much more I'll wreck my knee!

(The farm scene. Valjean quickly starts losing his breath from running around the stage.)

FARMER:

You'll have to go

The floor's revolving again.

And I have to play Courfeyrac

And six other men.

VALJEAN:

I swear this is half the time

I usually get!

Running around like this

Works up quite a sweat!

LABOURER:

You've made your bed

So now go lie in it, G.

You can't expect to be as quick

As fit young guys like me.

VALJEAN:  
And now the stage door's closed to me

It's like a jail, and I'm a dog stuck on a chain.

I rarely get to go offstage

Can't catch my breath, but I'm the star, so can't complain.

I can't go and drink the beer

That's stashed offstage so near.

(He comes to the inn scene.)

WOMAN:

I've got four lines.

I starred in every school play.

They said I'd be a star,

So why's this all that I say?

VALJEAN:

I wish this inn was real

I would sleep here right now.

I'm always half asleep

When I go take my bow.

INNKEEPER:  
You'll leave my house

Or feel the weight of my rod!  
This line makes me feel awkward

It sounds rather odd…

(They throw him out)

VALJEAN:

Oh, yes, I know how stardom feels

Each solo chases one more's heels

'Cause I'm the star.

This mic is taped onto my face

It makes me heard throughout the place

'Cause I'm the star.

Like a robot

Pace the stage

A tiger in a cage.

(He sits down with boredom and exhaustion, and the bishop walks onstage. Like Valjean, he's rather apathetic. Unlike Valjean, he's clearly on pot and forgets most of his lyrics.)

BISHOP:

Come in, dude, 'cause you look tired.

And besides, the script says so.

Though I wrote my lines on my hand

What I say here, I don't know.

There is wine… I drank a lot, though.

There is bread… I left backstage…

There's a bed back there or something

Oh great, what's on the next page?

VALJEAN:

He made me feed him lines—

I know the show by heart.

He left his props offstage

And didn't know his part.

In all the nineteen years

That I have played this role

There's one in every show.

And this fool's wrecked the scene,

He's gone and messed up good.

I played my role, of course,

And went on like I should.

But when the house is dark

And everyone has gone…  
He'll wish he hadn't messed with JEEEAAAAAAAAAN!

(Glares at the bishop and runs off before being apprehended by the 'police.')

COP 1:

Tell me quickly, what's the story—

COP 2:  
Dude, that line's one of Javert's!

COP 1:  
Who laid HANDS on this good man here?

COP 2:

But that's… what the heck, who cares.

Half the audience is new here

Far as they're concerned, we're fine

They don't even know what comes next,

So we're cool, then.

VALJEAN: (Hissing at Bishop)  
That's your line!

(Bishop wakes up quickly with a yawn.)

BISHOP:

But my something something something,

Dang, this line has slipped my mind.

I forgot I'm s'posed to sing here

VALJEAN: (Profoundly irritated)  
Tonight, I'll kick your behind…

BISHOP:  
So you cops can go offstage now

Gosh, I wish I had a clue

What exactly I should sing here

Or what I should give to you…

VALJEAN:  
Just remember this tomorrow

When you're nursing your new bruise

I would pull my act together

If I was here in your shoes.

The director won't be happy.

There's a lot of eager men

Who'd replace you in a heartbeat

Now you'll never work again.


	2. Chapter 2: Soliloquy and At The End

2

**2. VALJEAN'S SOLILOQUY**

(Valjean races to centre stage and sings ferociously about the emotions that have been racing through him since the show began. Don't worry, if you think Valjean's complaining gets old, he'll have newer things to sing about soon.)

VALJEAN:

What have I done,  
Sweet Jesus, what have I done  
Become involved in this show back in 1981?  
I should have quit while I could  
But now it's gotten too late  
Here I am, stuck in this role that I hate!  
The same strains of music assailing my ears  
Here where I stand, onstage after nineteen years!

If there's another way to go  
I missed it all those long years ago  
Think of the awards that I once could have won  
Playing King Lear or someone  
Not named Jean Valjean!  
But my contract got renewed again.  
Oh, if only I'd known it back then...

And why did I allow myself  
To be in this revival cast?  
With really lousy orchestrations...  
And what's with Javert? Bring back Philip Quast!  
My life, or lack thereof, is here  
How can this be?  
For I have come to hate this show  
And critics always hated me!

Scream out really high notes  
Moo low notes like a moan!  
Sing like I've got my mouth full--  
This is all I have known!

But one phone call, and POOF! I'm back!  
And once again, I'm Jean the Jack.  
I could have savoured years of freedom  
Those years of my life I'll never get back.  
I could have starred in "Sweeney Todd"  
"Jekyll and Hyde"...  
And now I realize why this tune's  
The same as "Javert's Suicide."

'Cause my knees and back are toast  
And I shed a single tear  
As I stare into the void  
Of my long-destroyed career  
I'd escape now from the role  
From the role of Jean Valjean  
But the audience is here  
And the show must still go on!

**3. AT THE END OF THE DAY**

ALL:  
At the end of the play, you're another year older

For the actors onstage, it feels like even more.

We play beggars, wage a war,

All get shot, and then dance at a wedding.

Three more hours standing about, already sore.

Well, it fits the grim setting.

At the end of the play, you'll snooze on a friend's shoulder.

But weeks later, you'll still have the songs in your head.

And each ballad slogs on past

And the show's inching toward its third hour

And you long for home—so does the cast

But to our dread,

We sing Miz in the shower!

At the end of the play, there's another show after.

And there's eight shows a week, more shows day after day.

Like a hamster on a wheel

Like the same rerun always repeating

There's an ennui that we feel

From the dead horse this show keeps on beating

But we keep these emotions at bay

'Till the end of the play.

FOREMAN:  
At the end of the play, I get nothing at stage door.

Playing pervy bit roles hasn't won me one fan.

GUY:  
There are hot girls in the crowd…

GUY 2:

I've got abs and a really great tan!

BOTH:

But the girls never look at us twice,

They want Terrence Mann.

Maybe we should just age more?

GIRL:  
Have you seen how the show is all sold out today?  
There's a school bus or two of kids from Idaho.

GIRL 2:  
It's because some boy band member's cast in the play

And he's playing Enjolras to rake in the dough.

GIRL 3:  
And the girls out there don't know

That a novel inspired Les Mis.

But they all want to play Eponine

Star in the show

And break into show biz.

ALL:  
At the end of the play, it's another play over

With enough in our pockets to run for the bar.

Drink a cocktail, drink ten more

Keep on drinking as long as we're able

Keep on drinking, puke on the floor

And we've drunk ourselves under the table.

Then we make our drunken way

Back to do the next play.

(Factory girl oozes by, snatching a piece of paper from Fantine.)

FACTORY GIRL:  
And what have we here, Miss Illustrious Diva?

Come on, Fantine, let's have all the news.

Ooh, it looks like your contract has ended

Next month someone much younger is filling your shoes.

FANTINE:  
Give that letter to me, it is none of your business.

It's your biggest role yet, and you're, what, thirty-six?

In a few years, you too, will be feeling the pressure

Of being surrounded by much younger chicks!

(Factory girl drags her to the floor and lays the smackdown. Enter Valjean.)

VALJEAN:  
Will someone tear these two apart?

What is this fighting all about?  
This—well, I guess it is a circus.

Still, come on ladies, settle down!  
My nerves were tried enough today

By that stoned-out Bishop clown.

I look to you to sort this out,

I'm going to go and take a p—

FOREMAN: (Interrupting)  
Now someone say who started this!

FACTORY GIRL:

At the end of the play, she'll get standing ovations!  
And her solos will bring the entire house down.

There's a lot she gets to sing

You can bet she's enjoying the spotlight

You can bet she loves dying onstage in her nightgown.

I confess, I don't like it.

FANTINE:

Yes, it's true I'm accustomed to playing the diva

And it's true your tone stinks and you're constantly flat.

And your acting is clearly not worthy of Streep,

So you get the small roles,

What's the matter with that?

ALL:  
At the end of the play, she takes Jean up to heaven!  
So she's there at the start and comes back when it's done.

While we're playing six hundred roles each,

She's out chilling backstage and relaxing

Like she's lying on a beach

While our roles are exhausting and taxing.

But of course she gets more pay

At the end of the play!

FOREMAN:

I might have known they would complain

I might have known this would occur

I might have guessed it when they cast you.

Ah yes, the pretty young Fantine

Sweet, innocent, not quite nineteen.

You think the audience is dumb?

You're old enough to be my mum!

I'm s'posed to flirt and have my fun

But not with Mrs. Robinson!

FACTORY GIRL:  
She's played quite enough roles

Now it's time to step down!

GIRLS:  
Now this queen of the stage

Should relinquish her crown.

FACTORY GIRL:

Give it up, act your age!

GIRLS:

Time to act your age!

FOREMAN:  
Right, my girl. Off the stage!


	3. Chapter 3: I DreamedLovely Ladies

4

**4. I DREAMED A DREAM**

FANTINE:  
There was a time I'd hit it big  
When reviews were all good  
Finding work wasn't patchy.  
Every night, I had a gig  
And the world was a song  
And the song was so catchy!  
There was a time... then it all went wrong.

I was the queen in time gone by,  
When Sarah Brightman starred in Phantom.  
When Michael Ball dressed like a guy  
And people thought that he was handsome.

When I was young and half my size  
And when I wasn't saggy-breasted.  
There were no stretch marks on my thighs  
Not one night was I unmolested.

But those days are gone, all right  
And with them has gone my good name  
And now I've got cellulite  
And my dreams have turned to shaaaaaaaame!

Botoxed 'till I can't move my face  
Had lipo, lifts, implants, worked out hard.  
Should I give up and age with grace  
And star in _Sunset Boulevard_?

And still I dream, they'll come to me  
And say, "Please, come star in _Chicago_!"  
But there are dreams that cannot be  
And there are new tricks no old dogs know.

Now, here I am, cast as Fantine  
I was the star back in my twenties.  
Now, belt one song and die next scene...  
Seems Broadway's overthrown its queen.

.

**5. LOVELY LADIES**

SAILOR:  
I smell women, smell 'em in the air!

That's 'cos they're so sweaty in those rags they have to wear.

SAILOR 2:  
Ugly ladies, starring in this play.

People wonder why so many guys in here are gay.

SAILOR 3:

Even actors have some standards, eh?

LADIES:  
Ugly ladies, that's all this show's got.

Wearing clothes like this, not even Tyra Banks looks hot.

Ugly ladies, any guy would shun.  
Even the romantic lead is dressed up like a nun.

Smearing dirt all over's not that fun!

(Fantine walks by. Of all of the costumes/wigs/makeup designs in the show, hers is the prettiest, or shall I say, least hideous. Immediately, a horrible looking old woman limps up toward her.)

HORRIBLE OLD WOMAN:

Come here, my dear

I like that dress you've got on.

It's not half bad.

FANTINE: (Eying the woman's dress)

Unlike that hideous sack.

HORRIBLE OLD WOMAN:  
Don't scoff too soon.

You'll have to change in a bit.

Give you a tip—

Just change, try not to look back.

Forget your pride

Your self-esteem

Try not to puke

Try not to scream.

Now, don't get mad.

My dear, we all look just as bad.

LADIES:

Ugly ladies, that's what they assume.

We looked great before we stepped into the dressing room.

GIRL:  
Long waists, short waists

All waists disappear

In these nasty dresses that accentuate the rear.

LADIES:  
Why'd I quit my modeling career?

HORRIBLE OLD WOMAN:  
What pretty hair!  
What pretty locks you got there!  
Nice wig indeed, and in this show, that's quite rare.

But, oh so sad,

Looks like the curls have to go.

FANTINE:  
Hey, what? But why?

HORRIBLE OLD WOMAN:

This show was written by men.

And frankly they

Don't care a sous

About how these things look on you.

But hey, cheer up! It gets worse yet—

I understudy for Cosette!

SAILOR 3:

Ugly lady, fancy we should meet.

If I hadn't known, I'd think you'd come in off the street.

Ugly lady, please don't come too close.

Doesn't take a genius to deduce that you look gross.

Little wonder you look so morose!

(Fantine comes back in a disgusting dress in the worst possible design for her body type and worst possible colour for her complexion. She's got on hideous makeup and a short wig that looks like a small dead animal.)

PIMP:  
Give me the dirt, what's that thing over there?

GIRL:

What's with that skirt—who the heck did her hair?

GIRL 2:  
Hardly a prize when she came in at first.

It's no surprise now she looks even worse.

PIMP:  
Ugly lady, walk along, avoid us

Ugly lady!

GIRL 2: (Sympathetically)  
You look like you've been hit by a bus.

You're no worse off than the rest of us.

At least there's no more that you have to bequeath

Read the book, kid, Fantine sells her front teeth!

(Fantine goes off with one of the sailors, who surreptitiously puts on rubber gloves before grabbing her arm.)

GIRL:

Sorry, sailor, I know she's not too hot.

I know, sailor, but she's the best we've got…

LADIES:  
Old men, young men, somehow they look great

Flouncy jackets, waistcoats, long hair, everything first rate.

Poor men, rich men, Enj and Montparnasse

See 'em in those trousers and you want to pinch their…

SOME GUY:  
Come on ladies, no need to be crass!

LADIES:

Ugly ladies, singing in this song.

Meanwhile, all the guys look cute

And somehow that feels wrong.

FANTINE:  
I can't wait to put on normal shoes.

Seeing this thing in the mirror's giving me the blues.

Death scene's easy, lying on a bed

Just as well, they can't see that I'm bored out of my head.

Three more songs to go before my character is dead!


End file.
